A customer wrote “$50.00” on the line marked “Total.”

Next, she showed me.

She explained that, even though she had not filled in the line marked “Tip,”

The tip would be the difference between her bill and fifty dollars

As if I didn’t know how it worked.

As if I’ve never seen that before. 

I delivered to the animal hospital.

Gotta love those cute puppies.

Puppy love.

I walked in holding a hot bag that reeked of pizza,

I wore my full delivery professional uniform.

The woman at the front desk stared at me for so many seconds

Then said, “Can I help you?”

I wanted to say, “Yeah, I’m picking up my dog.”

And, “I’m paying for your fine services in pizza.”

But all I said was, “Did someone order pizza?”

The woman at the desk said, “Oh yeah. That was me.”

Before work one day,
When I was scheduled from the dinner rush
Through the stoner rush,
I made these shirts
With some help from my knowledgeable friends.
…
If you want one, click this link
Or the ‘Buy’ tab at the top of my page.
Or call me.
Or text me.
Do you have the number to my pager?

Before work one day,

When I was scheduled from the dinner rush

Through the stoner rush,

I made these shirts

With some help from my knowledgeable friends.

If you want one, click this link

Or the ‘Buy’ tab at the top of my page.

Or call me.

Or text me.

Do you have the number to my pager?

At the door of a customer

A girl approximately six years old,

Stared at me.

She tilted her head like a confused puppy.

Before the customer,

Her presumed father,

Finished filling out the credit card receipt,

The confused puppy girl said:
Who are you?

I said:

Me, I’m just the pizza man.

Then I laughed on the inside

At her ignorance. 

We aren’t allowed to text while on the clock.

I don’t worry about my manager catching me though,

Just the police.



Just joking

JK-ing.

I wouldn’t text and drive. 

I went to work unshaven,

Scruffy.

My manager might not have said anything

But his boss was in the store.

The big boss, upper management.

So I got spoken to.

Instructed.

I was handed a disposable razor and pointed toward the bathroom.

Razor, water, no lubricants

And my sensitive skin.

Oh that razor burn.

Oh that burn. 

I took a delivery that said,

“Leave pizza on picnic table,”

In the delivery remarks.

The order was paid for but not signed for

And not tipped.

So I wasn’t going to leave it without a signature.

Without a tip.

If you want to stiff me

Do it to my face.

I got to the address,

A business,

And saw the table

Next to the front door.

I called three times over the ten minutes

I waited.

I knocked on the glass door

A few times too.

Then I left

With the pizza.

Back at the store I saw the customer’s number

As an incoming call on my phone.

I ignored it. 

I’ve been putting these stickers
On payphones
Throughout the United States
To spread the word
Of my web presence. 
So far 
I haven’t noticed my stats increase.
I don’t think it’s working. 
…
Do you want some?
Stickers I mean.

Message me. 
Or something 
aperfectcatch [at] gmail [dot] com

I’ve been putting these stickers

On payphones

Throughout the United States

To spread the word

Of my web presence.

So far

I haven’t noticed my stats increase.

I don’t think it’s working.

Do you want some?

Stickers I mean.

Message me. 

Or something 

aperfectcatch [at] gmail [dot] com

I got a delivery remark that said,

“Only you can prevent forest fires.”

I know the saying,

Of course,

But I never figured out the delivery remark’s purpose.

Sidenote: I haven’t involved myself with a forest fire since that delivery remark. 

One of my coworkers from the inside crew,

The pizza creating crew,

Made an extra extra extra small pizza.

A tiny pizza.

So cute.

It had one pepperoni atop marinara and cheese with a small crust border.

Two-inch diameter, max. 

I asked how she was going to cut it and she said she wasn’t.

No cuts.

She didn’t get my sarcasm.

I just hope she Instagrammed it before she ate it

In two tiny bites. 

Everyone in the office—the pizza office—found out

About a blog I have

Called “every pizza i’ve ever delivered,”

Which is fine.

I guess.

Except now I feel pressure

To censor my content of anything incriminating

Or mean.



I guess I can always hide

Behind the veil of

Creative license. 

I delivered to a Bluetoother.

During our whole interaction

The Bluetoother never said a word to me.

But she never stopped talking either,

Saying things like,

“Shut up shut up, the pizza guy is here,”

Or, “Yeah, my mom ordered pizza,”

And, “Stop blabbering I’m getting money back from the pizza guy,”

Into her earpiece.

Into that piece of Bluetooth technology.

The Bluetoother didn’t tip.

I wondered if anyone was on the other end

Of that Bluetooth.

I wondered if it was a trick

To get out of tipping.

A page from a very cool new zine, called Dirty Provo Vol. 1, featuring previously unpublished work by me. 

A page from a very cool new zine, called Dirty Provo Vol. 1, featuring previously unpublished work by me. 

I was out of town

For nine days

With my band.

So I wasn’t working

With pizza.

I still ate pizza

An average of

1.7 times a day. 

I delivered to the father

Of a future supervillian.

The future villain wasn’t jaded.

Not yet.

He was only two.

But I could see his future villianhood

In his eyebrows,

His thick, almost colliding,

Perfect V eyebrows.

The father tipped me five dollars

And the future supervillian

Waved goodbye

Like babies often do.