Sometimes people order online

On Sunday.

[Pizza Store] isn’t open on Sunday

So the online system gives us the deliveries on Monday.

Makes perfect sense.

Corporate logic.

When I show up at customers’ doors twenty-four hours late

They don’t usually want their pizza anymore.

And they don’t usually want to tip on a delivery they don’t want.

Anonymous said: How much do you make a year?

Professional pizza delivery is one of those occupations where we don’t keep track of what me make,

At least not very accurately.

The in-store crew,

Who don’t rely on the tips deliveries can get you,

Probably know better.

But my best guess…

On an average day I probably only make about fifteen pizzas.

Let’s forget about the outliers.

So fifteen times five days a week,

Times forty six weeks

(Yes I take a lot of time off work. I’ve got a life.)

Equals 3,450.

So my best guess,

And remember, it’s an estimate,

Is that I make about 3,450 pizzas a year.

In the parking lot of an apartment complex that I deliver to daily

A kid appeared at my car’s window

As I recorded the tip I’d just received.

His voice came first,

Then I saw him standing there

Eye level with me.

He asked if I had extra pizzas.

Kids always think I have extras

But I never do.

So I wanted to ask him why I would drive around with extra pizzas in my car.

I wanted to understand the childhood logic that compels kids to ask for the extra pizzas I never have.

But I just said no

And rolled my window up.

I have an aunt,
I have four aunts but I’m talking about a specific one,
Who texted me a picture. 
I say ‘Ant’ but really it’s ‘Aunt.’
The picture was a written statement
From a first-grader.
This kid’s statement: his lifetime career goals.
Just one goal really.
He wants to be “a pissa guy.”
Yes, pissa, no Zs.
This kid gives me hope

That the next generation will be OK.

I have an aunt,

I have four aunts but I’m talking about a specific one,

Who texted me a picture.

I say ‘Ant’ but really it’s ‘Aunt.’

The picture was a written statement

From a first-grader.

This kid’s statement: his lifetime career goals.

Just one goal really.

He wants to be “a pissa guy.”

Yes, pissa, no Zs.

This kid gives me hope

That the next generation will be OK.

I see an elderly man riding a scooter not quite in the lane,

But almost in the lane,

Often.

The man only has one leg.

It looks like a human sized spider’s leg,

But I doubt it is.

Human’s have human legs,

Usually.

His scooter has a homemade sidecar that probably supports him,

In place of his second leg

When he stops.

Supports him in an anti-tipping manner

Nothing emotional.

The sidecar looks like a coffin from an old western movie,

The kind waiting under the gallows as the cowboy hero escapes.

I wonder if the elderly man’s other leg is in that plywood coffin of a sidecar.

At a red light I looked to my left

And saw a delivery professional,

From a competing pizza distributer.

I see this particular delivery professional often.

I even pushed him up a snowy hill once.

(Click here for details)

At the red light, my windows were down.

So were his.

While I was thinking of how to word it,

But before I said it,

The light turned green

And I missed my chance to suggest we race.

A delivery race. 

Kids always try to get me to stop.

I’m like the ice cream man

But silent

And unattainable.

Once I delivered a ninety-dollar order to nice house.

White pillars, too many garages, you know the type.

A young girl answered the door and said her mom wasn’t home.

She stared at me,

Waiting.

I said someone must sign for the pizza.

So she signed for it.

She tipped me.

But only three dollars.

A little over three percent.

An hour and a few deliveries later I was back in the same part of town as that nice house,

But not the same neighborhood.

A woman in a black SUV dropped kids off at the house next-door to my new customer.

She rolled down her window and said, “Did you deliver to my house an hour ago?”

I said, “Maybe…”

She said, “My daughter answered the door and I wasn’t there.”

I said, “Yes…”

She said, “I’m sorry she didn’t tip you well. Here, have some more money.”

I thought, “Mo Money.”

Ten dollars cash money fell from the window of the SUV

Into my hands.  

For a while,

After a famous country/pop singer released an album,

[Pizza Store] had this special offer.

You could pay full price for a pizza

And get the singer’s album for full price too,

Delivered to your door,

Faster than Amazon.

I helped a customer at the counter
Inside the store.
He wanted a drink, but was concerned about getting the best deal. 
He wanted the most for his money,
You know,
A bargain.
So he asked if all the two-liter sodas were the same size.
Two-liter sodas are called that for a reason,
They contain two-liters of bubbly, high-fructose corn syrup enriched fluid. 

I just said, yes.
I said, they’re all the same size.

I helped a customer at the counter

Inside the store.

He wanted a drink, but was concerned about getting the best deal.

He wanted the most for his money,

You know,

A bargain.

So he asked if all the two-liter sodas were the same size.

Two-liter sodas are called that for a reason,

They contain two-liters of bubbly, high-fructose corn syrup enriched fluid.

I just said, yes.

I said, they’re all the same size.

A customer called [Pizza Store].

She wanted eight pizzas and twenty-two cheesesticks,

For delivery.

Her bill was around $200 and she paid over the phone

Even though what she wanted was eight pizzas

And twenty-two individual cheesesticks.

Not twenty-two orders of cheesesticks.

At fourteen sticks per order, the customer wanted one and a half orders of cheesesticks.

Two orders really.

After some confusion,

Some surprised looks,

I brought twenty boxes of cheesesticks back from the delivery

And refunded most of the money.

A customer wrote “$50.00” on the line marked “Total.”

Next, she showed me.

She explained that, even though she had not filled in the line marked “Tip,”

The tip would be the difference between her bill and fifty dollars

As if I didn’t know how it worked.

As if I’ve never seen that before. 

I delivered to the animal hospital.

Gotta love those cute puppies.

Puppy love.

I walked in holding a hot bag that reeked of pizza,

I wore my full delivery professional uniform.

The woman at the front desk stared at me for so many seconds

Then said, “Can I help you?”

I wanted to say, “Yeah, I’m picking up my dog.”

And, “I’m paying for your fine services in pizza.”

But all I said was, “Did someone order pizza?”

The woman at the desk said, “Oh yeah. That was me.”

Before work one day,
When I was scheduled from the dinner rush
Through the stoner rush,
I made these shirts
With some help from my knowledgeable friends.
…
If you want one, click this link
Or the ‘Buy’ tab at the top of my page.
Or call me.
Or text me.
Do you have the number to my pager?

Before work one day,

When I was scheduled from the dinner rush

Through the stoner rush,

I made these shirts

With some help from my knowledgeable friends.

If you want one, click this link

Or the ‘Buy’ tab at the top of my page.

Or call me.

Or text me.

Do you have the number to my pager?

At the door of a customer

A girl approximately six years old,

Stared at me.

She tilted her head like a confused puppy.

Before the customer,

Her presumed father,

Finished filling out the credit card receipt,

The confused puppy girl said:
Who are you?

I said:

Me, I’m just the pizza man.

Then I laughed on the inside

At her ignorance.